7.  (rejected by the editors) Group of [Literal] Death. Much like the traditional group of death, only actual death is the feature. The teams in this group will compete for the Ultimate Prize: human life.

8. Star Ball. Much like the famous “star” token in Super Mario Brothers, this addition to the game would grant superpowers to the attacking player with the ball, via an instant injection of sugar, caffeine, and fast-action steroids. In addition to additional power, endurance, and speed, the player receiving the Star Ball would also be granted absolute impunity for 35 seconds.

9. Pro Wrestling-Style Pitch Invasions. Taking a cue from WWF, this update to the legendary FIFA rulebook would open up a multitude of possibilities, including but not limited to: players from one team invading a match in which other rivals are playing, and scoring against their principal enemies; masked player wearing the number “0″ suddenly joining in the action to sabatoge a boring deadlock; players’ wives doing things such as tripping their enemies during counterattacks. Could also lead to other wrestling-style innovations, such as getting FIFA administrators involved in the story line (for example, Maradona bitch-slapping Sepp Blatter after gate-crashing the opening ceremony).

10. Opening Kick–for Keeps. In an attempt to pander to the American market, FIFA introduces an opening penalty kick taken by a head of state or other celebrity or dignitary. Each half begins with a penalty kick from a randomly chosen world leader or reality television star, with the resulting goal counting.

11. BabyCup. Since their are little kids out on the pitch lining up with the teams anyways, why not let them play against each other as well? This mini-Cup would attract sponsors as well as finally attract the elusive soccer-Mom market in the United States.

12. GreenCup. For World Cups played in wealthy Western nations, the GreenCup rule will allow players from less wealthy nations to earn GreenCards or other forms of permanent residency depending on how well they perform. This update to the format would ensure that this small-team attitude of “for us, making it this far is like winning” is abolished.